Not every hiccup or ‘dry spell’ in a career means its time to throw in the towel and do something new. We’ve all had the occasional day when getting to work was not your first choice for how you wanted to spend your day.

However if boredom and bitterness become chronic it’s time to consider an alternative career path. That may mean a slight modification or a complete overhaul. Let’s take a look at some sure fire things that indicate, it’s time for a change.


Sign #1 Chronic Lack of Energy or Boredom.

If your iron levels are fine, you’re not anemic, you’re eating well and you’re at work and not feeling energized at all and really bored. It’s time to figure out which parts of your job are draining you. Is it the commute, the projects, your co-workers, your boss. Get specific. This will help you figure out what needs to change.

Like your work but hate the commute, move closer; don’t fancy your co-workers or your boss is overbearing , get reassigned to a different team or switch to a similar position at a different company.

If it’s the work you hate, well read on before jumping ship.
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• Think about the things that jazz you. The people, the places, the activities you enjoy. What fascinates you?
• When do you frequently lose track of time because you are so entranced with what you are doing at work?
• What is it about those people, places, things that you enjoy? Any themes?
• What do they have in common that holds your interest?
• Do you enjoy sales because you truly enjoy people, finances because you like working with numbers, writing because it allows for creativity?

Andrew
Andrew’s dad worked in Real Estate, he had done well and wanted Andrew to join him in the business. As Andrew began his work with dad after college, he noticed that he thought Real Estate was okay but found that the work he enjoyed was less involved with working directly with clients and more based in re-imaging how an older home might be upgraded, staged and it’s curbside appeal enhanced. He loved the challenge of having a budget and being charged with giving a home a ‘facelift’. He successfully worked his way into creating a team that did high-end landscaping and exterior/curbside redesigning. His energy and engagement were high. At the end of his day, he’s tired but satisfied with how he’s spent his day.


Sign  # 2 : Apathy

If you feel like your on autopilot day after day, and you’re wishing you were somewhere else. it’s a good time to ask yourself what you would care about. Are you ready to work at things on a larger scale, do you want more independence, more brainstorming opportunities, more challenging work?

Sarah
Sarah liked her team but wasn’t enjoying the project she was working on. She did great work but it didn’t energize her. She took the initiative and began looking at other projects within her company and soon found one the dealt with accessibility solutions for blind people. Her grandmother had gone blind it a later age and she felt very connected to the project. With a little convincing she was able to change projects. No major career upheaval just a simple change in how she applied her skills. She quickly noticed an increase in how invested she was in the new project.
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Kim
Kim knew that she thrived when she was able to problem solve in creative ways. Shortly after taking a new job she realized that she liked her work but that the company culture was ‘by the book’ and she felt stifled. She decided to reboot her job search, this time with a focus on company culture and soon found a job that valued her out of the box approach and her passion for her work skyrocketed.

Clue # 3: Jealousy
When jealousy rears its ugly head it’s often a sign that you want something you haven’t given yourself permission to have. In the area of careers, it might be worth exploring why you are so ticked off about the job that a friend has. It may be that it’s a job in a field you yourself would secretly like to pursue.

What’s up with That?
Before doing anything drastic, you’ll want to identify what ‘triggered’ your jealousy. Do you get curious whenever you hear someone is involved in tech or feel envy if you meet someone who is in research?

First: Break it down. What aspect of the job is making your jealous? Are you jealous of Andrew the landscaper because he gets to spend a lot of time outdoors, or of Sarah because she’s working on innovative technology? What would be thrilling for you about the job?

Next: Is there a way to bring the aspects you crave into your current work? If not, a serious career switch may be in order.

Trip
When Trip started working with me as his coach, he was the head of a research lab working at the cutting edge of his industry and yet he was bored and still unsure about what he wanted to do. By his own admission, he pursued a second degree in Bio-Technology more to delay making a decision about a career than because of a passion for the topic.

On a regular basis he presented his work to the business side of the company and consistently found the discussion on what they would do with the science more interesting than his own lab’s finding and increasingly found himself resentful that once the meeting was over, that he was back in the lab, even though those that worked with him really disliked all the ‘suit-talk’ and couldn’t wait to get back to their test tubes and processes.

Once he realized he was really jealous of those that ‘got to work’ on the business side of the industry, he was able to begin bridging the gap between his education and his desired work. He spoke up and got himself involved with business projects and shortly became head of product development and got a hefty raise.

The universe is not sending you a signal to make over your entire career when you have an occasional slow day or a jealous pang. Sometimes just spending your lunch hour in a way that makes you happy can have a dramatic impact on how you feel about your day. However, if you are living your life by default instead of by design. If you start to notice that there’s an ongoing , chronic sense of boredom or bitterness, it may be time to think about making a change.  


Deborah Guy is your coach for the personal side of a professional life. 

Helping  professionals like you sidestep overwhelm and manage your career and entrepreneurial goals effectively while creating a work/life balance that enables you to live the life your soul intended with clarity, care and courage!   Learn more and connect at www.DeborahGuy.Com

She/He who cares the least wields the most power. 
With busy professional lives and an increasingly unstructured dating culture, I’m finding that the common thread to the challenges that many of my single clients are facing, is not that they are not in a relationship.

It’s that they are in a relationship and there is a vast disparity between how committed they are to the relationship and how committed their partner is.  

And it cuts both ways. One client wants help ‘letting them down easy,’ another wants to figure out how to ‘get them to commit.’ 

Sometimes, even couples that are in agreement that they are in a long term, committed, monogamous relationship are not in agreement on what that commitment means in the long run.  When the difference in how they define commitment going forward is significantly different, studies show that satisfaction with the relationship goes down for both.  And that even moving into or toward marriage does nothing to bridge the gap.

If you’re not looking for anything permanent and your partner is on the same page. No worries. But If lasting love is your goal, finding yourself in a longer-term relationship, where either of you is significantly less committed to the relationship than the other, is not a useful place to be and here’s’ why:

The Principle of least interest: He who cares least wields the most power. 
This principle holds true in all relationships: business, family and yes, our romantic ones as well.

The one most committed to a relationship continuing has, in significant ways, less power than the one who cares less.  The less they care, the more power they have.     There’s even a name for it: Asymmetrical Committed Relationships (ACRs)

Blurred Lines
With a walk down the aisle no longer the bar for mutual commitment for many couples, it’s becoming more comfortable, at least in the short term,  and certainly more common for people to find themselves in relationships where the commitment level is often unvoiced and unclear.

A recent study by the University of Denver focuses on the longer term implications of ambiguous levels of commitment within a relationship and studies ACRs in particular.

An ACR is defined as a relationship where there is a significant disparity between the commitment levels of the couple. 

Their study, of over 300 unmarried, heterosexual couples in a committed relationship for 24 to 36 months, revealed that fully 35% of the couples had significant differences in commitment levels.  Men were twice as likely as women to be the ones that were the ‘weaker-link’ in the level of commitment. 

Perhaps if we moved in together…
If you think moving in together or intertwining finances will close that gap, the study shows the reverse is true.  When focusing only on couples who are cohabitating or have some form of financial reliance, the percentage of couples in ACRs jumps up to  47%.

Perhaps If we got married…
The study also shows that where there is a substantial difference in commitment between the couple before marriage, the walk down the aisle does nothing to bridge the gap even several years down the road.

Unsurprisingly, the study also showed that, when compared with couples with mutual commitment levels,  couples in ACRs scored lower in satisfaction and quality of relationship and higher in the frequency of conflict.

So what does this mean for you? 
It is much riskier to move in together or share finances before the question of commitment is clearly settled.   You risk getting stuck in relationships you might otherwise have left because financial concerns or cohabitation make it that much harder to get out.  

If you are considering marrying someone, but you sense they are less committed to you than you are to them, don’t count on a trip to alter to fix the commitment gap.  Even if your partner agrees and their marital status changes, their level of commitment to the relationship for the long run remains unaltered.

Breakups more likely when the woman is the one less committed.
While couples in an ACR are more likely to break up than those in a relationship where the commitment levels are the same, it is far more likely that the relationship will end when it is the woman who is the person who is less committed.  

Interestingly, where it is the man who is less committed, the relationship is actually statistically less likely to end in a breakup than relationships with mutual commitment levels.   This is probably because men are more likely to freely remain in a relationship with a woman they are not serious about until the woman gets fed up and breaks it off.  

This means that overall, a woman’s level of commitment is far more indicative of whether or not a couple stays together than a man’s commitment level.

Trend upward likely to continue
The number of Asymmetrically Committed Relationships are expected to rise and here’s why.
1)    There has been a steady decline in cultural rituals and defined steps in the development of romantic relations 
2)    There is a growing preference for vagueness because people fear rejection and fear that commitment is dangerous.
3)    Increasingly people ‘slide’ into a relationship instead of making a conscious decision to enter into a relationship beyond casual dating.
4)    The culmination of the above three points makes it much easier than before to get deeply involved in – and stuck – in ACRs

More people are finding themselves in long term, unmarried relationships, sometimes for many years, before realizing that their partners are not as vested in the relationship as they are and are sort of just along for the ride.  That’s a painful place to be.

It’s also a mistake to think that because somehow you two have somehow slid into moving in together or even have children together that that means there is some magical transformation in a person’s commitment level. The study says, not so.

Indicators of a Strong Commitment Level and how to get there.
The Strongest commitment levels come about from making a  specific and declared decision to be together.  “Let's just see where this goes” is fine for a few months but after a few months it’s perfectly healthy to take the risk and put your cards on the table.  Yes, you might find out that you're both on different pages, but it's better to find out after a few months than after a few years. 

The beauty of checking in that you might also find out that you’re both on the same page and then and only then, do you start to explore if they can be trusted with your feelings. 

Knowing you can trust someone with how you feel about things is a precursor to deepening your connection with them.  Don’t connect yourself romantically to someone who won’t’ respect your feelings or put your needs on equal footing with their own.

If you both get past that stage, then and only then should you begin to discuss the subject of being exclusive.  And if someone’s not ready to be exclusive and you are, that’s a sure sign that you about to enter into an ACR.  

" Strongest commitments levels are made while both of you are at 100% liberty to choose to be with each other. " - Dr. Scott M. Stanley, Univ. of Virginia

Commit because you feel at your best and most comfortable in your own skin when you are together, not out of guilt or financial advantage.

If you are looking for life-long committed love, you’ll need a proven approach to getting there.  One that is both Fear-Proof and ACR-Proof.  One that creates exceptional clarity for you and for your current or future partner.

Next week,  I’ll walk you step by step through setting up just such a plan of action in a fun and effective way.

If you need help sorting out your relationship,  don’t hesitate drop me a line at sayhi@deborahguy.com

You are meant to love and to be loved! Lasting love is within your reach. 

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Study Referenced: Assymetrically Committed Relationships, Univ of Virginia, Scott M. Stanley, et al.
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0265407516672013

When your days are spent wrangling three active children into their respective car seats by day and writing about feelings by night some interesting analogies emerge.